never satisfied: a BLOG

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 - 01:33 a.m.
utada hikaru - dirty desire

i don't want to see you every day. you said you had a girlfriend...so why do you want to see me all the time? i'm glad that you decided to take a step in the right direction and enroll in school again, but i hope you keep yourself out of trouble this time and finish. smoking is such a bad habit. a redeeing quality you possess is the ability to surprise me because you're more mature than you seem. keeping things simple will surely mean smooth sailing in the future, but if you don't aspire to work harder, you will not reach your full potential.

why do i miss you still? i haven't heard one word from you. it's like you're dead to me. i'm definitely dead to you then. some days, it's really hard. this feeling just overwhelms me...a part of me expects you to walk through the doors as if you had never left. did you only say things to me because it was convenient for you? you said you would miss me. should i write you off as a liar and forget about you? i've been told that i should stop wasting my time on you. my mind knows this, but my heart refuses to cooperate. i hate how i still question the circumstances. "why this?" "why that?" "why at all?" these statements will never be answered, yet i still can't stop wondering. i don't regret. i won't forget you. "what if" will never present itself because i know.

i've been careless as of late. i feel unattractive. unloved. meeting new people is not a priority i'm concerned with. i'm not looking forward to building a relationship. is this a case of commitment phobia? i doubt it. i'd rather be alone. i've always been a loner. studying by myself, working by myself, traveling by myself...i've learned a lot. i can achieve things without the aid of others, and it's something i take pride in. i know what i like, and i know what i want. i won't let the influence of others change my direction or ideals.

on a lighter note, utada hikaru's new american album is awesome. :D i'm definitely purchasing one. so much crap has happened since the last time i blogged. i'm pretty secretive when it comes to relationships...i didn't know there was such a serious side to me, but i guess i don't feel a need to chronicle the intimate moments because i can remember everything as vividly as if it had happened yesterday. i can still smile, knowing what we laughed about. i can still cry, remembering how i felt when we hugged. you never knew how much i cared for you. i'll never tell you, but your arms were my most favorite part of you. your eyes are amazing, and your smile warm, your laugh infectious, but your arms are the greatest thing about you. it's selfish of me, isn't it?

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Tuesday, December 2, 2008 - 01:02 a.m.
britney spears - shattered glass

ok. her new album isn't too bad. D:

i'm working on a new layout! it's a slow process. haha. my website making skills have disappeared long ago. T_T there's only one more week of school to go! and again, i'm procrastinating. :D i just opened the box full of tackey & tsubasa goodies i won from yahoo!japan. :D i KNOW if i go through them, i'll be up for hours just squee-ing...

jenny lam was in town, and it was the most fantastic week i have had in a long time. :D we had dim sum on a monday and we ordered soo much that we needed two to-go boxes! then we went shopping at H-E-B. it was rainy and i wore flip flops. i nearly fell a couple of times. genius. she showed up to math1312 with stephanie and pushed me into the wall. haha. we texted during class because i sat in the back. :D then we ate at cheddar's on another monday and shopped at target. then, on her last night in houston, we went bar hopping in rice village. i tried a white russian, and it was pretty awesome. only, i couldn't finish the drink. D: anyways, i heart jenny lam.

the next night was my cousin's birthday thing. she wanted to go to escobar, but it's an exclusive bar where you have to know someone to get in, or dress really slutty, or pay the bouncer money, etc. so, we went to level, and i got wasted. i drank two mixed drinks and half a shot of tequila (here, jenny would call me 'weak sauce') and managed to sway to the music a bit. there were a bunch of cute guys, but i didn't know which ones came alone, so i didn't dance with anybody. D: then we went to a ghetto sports bar on bellaire, and my cousin's boyf drove while we sat in the backseat. we couldn't stop laughing because everything was so funny, especially jonathan's corny jokes. they were 10x funnier than usual. haha. yeah, i had a good time, but i was knocked out at the sports bar until 4am. my cousin was driving me back to my car in the parking lot near escobar ($10 parking, and for what?) and we made a stop at home depot to change drivers, and i plopped into the passenger seat. suddenly, nausea hit me and i threw up all over the pavement. it was an awesome experience, haha. my first and only time, i swear! at least now, i'll have a story to tell when we talk about bad drinking experiences. :D i started to sober up and got home ok. i didn't fall asleep until 5:30am and i had work at 8am. that didn't go well. D:

i'm enjoying all my extra time off from work. i'm spending the hours procrastinating some more...hmm, that doesn't sound right. D: i'm going to plow through my tackey & tsubasa goods now. :D they haven't released anything since koiuta, and i doubt they'll release anything as a unit this far into the year. tackey is already promoting his new single, and tsubasa has another solo con in december. T_T it seems they're heading in the direction that was planned for them before they debuted as a group; it was rumored that they were supposed to be solo acts. i love tsubasa, but his stage performances are straying from the types of concerts that i'm used to. i can't sit still during a tackey stage performance, and i love hearing both their voices during songs. it's lonely to just hear one. T_T because they've been inactive as a group for so long, i kind of fell back into K-POP. i started listening to big bang, and damn, those boys are talented. i can't stand listening to anything else; their NUMBER 1 album is playing non-stop in my car. i remember when g-dragon used to rap when jinusean was active, back when he was what? 10? and i didn't like him all that much, but he grew up nicely. haha. their english pronunciation is great, and sometimes i wonder if these songs would work for se7en's american debut. why not? the songs that are being written for him that are supposedly tailored for the american population are not spectacular. HE'S GOING TO BE IN SEATTLE ON THE 13TH OF DECEMBER OMG. damn. i heart daesung and the rest of big bang, but all five boys combined do not even compare to the hotness of se7en. i'm definitely a se7en supporter! i'm going to buy a bunch of CDs and just give them away to my friends, haha. :D

i forgot to mention...one of my guy friends told me that there isn't love, only lust in this world. my argument against his reasoning was a jumbled mess because i've never been in love before. how can i speak thoroughly on a subject that i've never studied/experienced? i'm fighting for an emotion that might or might not exist. T_T is it dumb for me to believe in something, hoping for something like love? guys like him tend to lower my expectations of girlfriend-boyfriend relationships. the only reason a guy tells a girl that he loves her is just to bed her. then, it's over. it must be from his own painful experiences, but damn, he must've been hurt really badly to feel so pessimistic about love. he asked why a girl like me didn't have a boyfriend, and i told him that i didn't have time for one. a 'girl like me?' yeah, someone attractive that is capable of living on her own, supporting herself financially, and attending school. yeah, i just don't have time. and he points out that you can't pencil in love in a planner, that it just happens. and i told him that if i were to get serious about someone, he WILL have to be penciled in, and that he WOULD have to work around my schedule. i don't have time to have a wrench thrown into my scheme of things, as harsh as it sounds. i mean, it'd be nice to have a boyfriend, but i seriously can't deal with another person in my life. it takes responsibility and dedication to be in a serious relationship, and i don't have any extra time to spare. if i was going to get involved, i want to be there 100%.

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Friday, October 31, 2008 - 11:31 p.m.
se7en - lalala

happy halloween! :D i actually wanted to blog yesterday because i managed to achieve so many things! :P well, monday afternoon, i got into a fight with a branch and it kicked my butt. the fence to the townhouse was stuck, so i had to jump it to get inside to pick up my books to start on the research paper that was due tuesday. T_T pookie watched from inside the townhouse while i injured myself. the branch hit me square in the face and scratched my eyelid. it stung for the longest time. T_T i sat at the top of the fence, pondering whether i should jump or not. it was a pretty high fence. haha. i pushed my leg against the nearest tree and shifted my weight so that i was facing the parking lot, stepped onto the rail and jumped from there. WHEE! grabbed my books but didn't start the paper until late and only got halfway done when it struck 2am. well, i woke up early but it was so cold outside that all i wanted to do was sleep under the warm covers all day. i e-mailed my prof and told her that i wans't going to make it to class and skipped the entire day. T_T

on thursday, i got to school at 8am and dropped my anth course, skipped sociology to study for my math test, did really well on intro to fiction quiz after reading only 14/49 pages, and aced my math test. i was so worried that i wasn't ready and that i didn't have enough of the equations memorized, but once i sat down and looked through the problems slowly, it wasn't too bad. hopefully, i did as well as i thought and wasn't so easily tricked by the problems. T_T then i found a library in fort bend and voted! i got there at 4pm and there wasn't a line! awesome. the guy asked if i knew how to go through the voting process, and i said that i hadn't voted in such a long time. strange coming from me because i look like i can pull off being 19. T_T i'm going to keep who i voted for a secret. :D then, i helped kelly write up her resume. we hung out at teahouse for a couple of hours just chatting about work. it was really fun. :D i should be working on my own resume. when i can add my degree to it, OMG that'd be so awesome. i'm ALMOST a college graduate! AHHH i feel so grown-up! hahaha! wow. this blog has been with me since the beginning. :D woo, my first entry was made august 16, 2002. that's a long time. T_T

of course, i'm here because i'm procrastinating. T_T i have a presentation on frederick douglass's book on tuesday and i haven't even started the novel yet. i flipped through it yesterday, and the text is really large, so i'm not too worried. hopefully, it isn't a difficult text to read. like moby dick. omg. just looking at it gives me the shivers. i read through a couple of random chapters and it's very well written, but to go through the entire novel in one sitting is insane. there's also a sociology test on thursday. T_T so many tests, too little time. well, i spoke to my manager today about resigning from my position. i will now work part-time and won't have to worry about trying to put in 32 hours a week. T_T they'll be more flexible too, because i'd like a couple of weekends off now and then, so they'll give me a saturday off when i request it without having to making it up another day. YAY! it's about time i took time off for my school work and for myself. i feel so relieved. i was initially so scared to talk with him, but he didn't get mad or anything. whew. well...i want to sleep now. haha. T_T tomorrow, i have to head to the new store and help out my trainee. hopefully, she'll be able to take care of the lab as pls. i have faith in her ability, but she's worried. it'll be ok! it's a pretty long drive...45 minutes. their grand opening is november 2nd! hopefully, things will go back to normal at our store after that.

the cd-rom to my laptop isn't working. i put a cd in and it won't read it. the computer isn't picking up the drive. T_T i'm running out of room too! doesn't this sound familiar? T_T all the computers i've owned always do this to me. i'm thinking about purchasing an external hard drive. a cool looking one. hahaha! i know i should get one with more memory and probably with a better price, but i never shop around. once i'm hooked on how the item looks, more than likely i will get it. T_T the blue one is 320gb. ugh, why can't i find a green one with more space? WHYY! D: the shows on adult swim this friday night are so weird.

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Monday, September 22, 2008 - 11:35 p.m.
hamasaki ayumi - surreal

ok, i'm procrastinating again. D: i have two tests tomorrow, but i'm still watching vids on se7en's myspace. i've been a fan of se7en since ¿ÍÁà.. and he was so cute back then, but now, damn, he is HOT. i'm totally buying his album when it hits the shelves. there's also news about boa debuting in the states. ehh, i'm kind of skeptical about how well she'll do. her engrish is horrible and her voice is nasally. i was around during her korean debut as well and didn't think that she'd become as popular as she did, SO WE'LL SEE. let's see how far SM's money is going to take her in the states. i'm excited about TVXQ's korean come back! mirotic was a disappointment to me though, even though everyone and their mom is raving about it. it seems that anything TVXQ sings is gold. i don't get why they're as popular as they are. fans can rant and rave all they want, listing all the boys' A+ qualities and such, but i will never understand. damn, changmin is looking mighty fine. D: ugh. TACKEY & TSUBASA, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO RELEASE A SINGLE! help me, i'm being sucked back into K-POP! yoobin from JYP's group, wonder girls, is really pretty! what's with the hype around sohee? she reminds me of miley cyrus: spoiled and annoying. NOT CUTE AT ALL! i think i'm going to take a nap. a short one. :D

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Thursday, August 28, 2008 - 11:34 p.m.
jonas brothers - burnin' up

what the heck, jonas brothers? :D yes, i've fallen into that craze too. nick is an awesome singer, joe is the silliest guy on the planet, and kevin loves boots! :D ok, this is not an actual update, just wanted to take note of my tarot reading.

PAST (wands I): you were able to make a new start and follow through your plans by taking risks and having confidence in your own abilities. because you knew that things would work out for the best, you faced your fears and took a stand for what you wanted from life - seizing the initiative helped you to solve previous problems. your renewed enthusiasm meant that you were prepared to grab any opportunities that came your way - and you pushed yourself to the limit. work oppurtunities were good and you may have started a new career. you found it easy to complete everyday tasks and made enough space in your life to try some of he things that you'd always wanted to do. energized and full of optimism you realized there was no end to what you could achieve.

PRESENT (pentacles III - reversed): the main problem is that you simply don't have the skills for what you are trying to do. trying to get quick results means that you aren't looking at the quality of your work. some of what you aim at is simply out of your reach so you need to set your sights a bit lower. there's no way around it though - you have to work hard if you're going to get what you want. no one else can do it for you and the world won't take care of you unless you actually put something in yourself. you feel unappreciated and unnoticed, but such feelings are more to do with your attitude than what is going on in reality.

FUTURE (queen of pentacles): you will find it easy to create a warm and secure environment around you. you're the kind of person who will be ready to do anything for anyone. however, if you don't take care you could be taken advantage of. being able to handle problems matter-of-factly means that you'll act sensibly at all times and allow those around you to be themselves. you'll soon gain a reputation for being trustworthy, and people will feel happy confiding in you - they'll realize that you would never betray a confidence. whenever anyone is in need they will turn to you for help - and you will be more than happy to give it.

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008 - 02:58 a.m.
arashi - truth

when i was an avid H.O.T fan (i'm still a fan, don't forget that), i found the h5t forum. ahh, such a nice place. there were fangirls all over, but this one got on my nerves. she was the type to declare that her love for __member__ was neverending, and that she would "worship" him forever. then, i stumble upon a post she created in a community dedicated to said member, and she's selling off all her merchandise. wow. love is forever, hmm? that makes me wonder though...will we still be in the fandom 5 years from now? we're already in our twenties, and it's hard just to live from one day to the next without having to worry about love, happiness, money, and death. it seems that jpop is my means to escape, and without it, all i have is anger, loneliness, and boredom. why do i have to worry so much about work? why do i have to worry so much about school? we all end up dying anyway. work hard, live honestly, die first. there have been too many deaths this year. i still haven't recovered from the last one. how will i cope with all these people leaving? how can anyone smile after losing someone? is it because you have forgotten? i will never forget. that will be my biggest adversary. all this guilt. i wasted so much time. i didn't accomplish anything while you were still with me. now, i'm pushing my limits. i'm trying to be the best i can be. yet, you're not here to see me succeed. you're not here to comfort me when i fall. love is so painful. it seems i've made a mental checklist of all the things i should be accomplishing at this age, hoping to finish tasks before someone else leaves me. why is life so cruel? please, don't take anyone else from me. to lose another warm and caring person...to have their smiles, their laughter, their warmth disappear from this world is too much to bear. why was i so foolish before? even now, i feel that i haven't done anything significant. i'm still plain. i'm still working to prove my worth, my potential...i have no clue as to how high i can reach. why can't i figure it out? when will i be able to stop and smile and love?

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008 - 11:58 p.m.
imai tsubasa - do me crazy

holy shit. tsubasa performed DO ME CRAZY on shounen club...his hips. those polished dance moves. the translated lyrics by newshfan. i've died and gone to heaven. :D ok, tsubasa has mastered the "discreet sexy" technique because the dance moves are hot and the lyrics are suggestive, yet you're not quite sure if THAT is what he is implying. haha, well, it is, and everyone is completely aware, but you know what i mean. :P it's not the same as "trashy sexy" when you're singing about love juice and licking your hand and having someone give you a blow job on stage. *ahem* i don't know where all this spite came from. i used to adore akanishi. *sigh*

tropical storm edouard was quite the scare, but it didn't even flood here. school was canceled and nothing was open. it was a free day for everyone! i was planning on taking my online test today, but did absolutely nothing. :D it felt good. i hope the weekend will be fun. especially since i'm going to be with a couple of people i can't stand for 72 hours straight. i don't need any drama. please, higher being, aid me in watching my tongue while on this trip. i can't guarantee to play nice, but i can try to STFU.

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Saturday, July 26, 2008 - 11:35 p.m.
m-flo loves emi hinouchi, ryohei, emyli, YOSHIKA & LISA - love comes and goes

i want to procrastinate without feeling guilty. i want to visit home whenever i feel like. i want to read manga. i want to sell my TVXQ! merchandise. i want to find that kerori plush. i want to purchase that tackey & tsubasa calendar and not have to care that it'll burn a hole in my wallet. i want more money. i want to go to sea world with aracely, and maybe even naqi. i want to see cathy. i want to see jenny lam. i want to go to new york. i want to see elaine. i desire to do a billion things, but i can't because i'm worried about school. i have to finish this year. working so hard this summer has drained me. all i want to do is sleep. no matter what i do i can't concentrate. in my intro to art history class, there was a 3000-word essay due thursday. i haven't finished it. i actually started over, hoping that this second attempt will progress better than the last one. i started the essay on monday. i knew it was going to be difficult and tried to start early to compensate for future roadblocks, but it didn't get me anywhere. well, i also had a 1500-word essay for english due, and i turned it in on time. it's a pretty kick ass paper, too. :D what is with these intro classes? WHY ARE THEY SO DIFFICULT? T_T i studied for the art history test and made a 78. i think i'm all out of energy. i want to have sushi with jasmine. i want to get dinner with julie. i want to watch more chinese movies with the cousins. i want to buy a new mp3 player. i want to watch yamada taro monogatari. i want to see tsubasa's WWTP. i want to glomp aiba. i want to watch tv. my tv is unplugged. it's been like that for weeks now. i want to get a new cd system for my car. i want to get my windows tinted. i want to get new foglights. i want to get my car washed. i want to read pearls before swine. i want to read poetry and enjoy it without having to worry about analyzing it for a paper. too many wants, not enough time.

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Saturday, June 14, 2008 - 01:47 a.m.
KAT-TUN - HELL, NO

wow. a new japanese single from k! it's been a long time! it's called "play and pray." he's so hot in the PV. :D the song is a ballad, too slow for my tastes though. his eyes look so sad. i guess that's why his photos never showcase them. T_T i know it sounds superficial, but i'm sure his fandom would be more loyal if his eyes were more plastic. T_T his lips and teeth are so attractive, and his collarbone is sooo sexy. :D they sure know how to dress him!

i was so excited about KAT-TUN's new album and was so angry when i initially couldn't pre-order the limited edition, but i managed to pick up a copy from CDjapan. the only songs i like from the album are the singles. T_T the other songs don't have a strong enough rock sound, which is characteristic of most KAT-TUN songs. i also pre-ordered tackey & tsubasa's koiuta/progress single, and the covers were released afterwards. version C had the extra songs, so i purchased that one, only to find out that the cover was a plain, pinkish/purple color. T_T it's a ballad, and it hasn't stuck to me yet. i read that it claimed #2 spot on the singles oricon chart for the week it was released. they were beat out by greeeen. T_T every time there is a single/album release, takitsuba fans always watch the charts so closely and hope that they claim the #1 spot. i love tackey & tsubasa, but i hate how their releases are never "guaranteed" to be a #1 release like KAT-TUN's releases because i feel that KAT-TUN is losing their glitter. akanishi jin is still a favorite among many fans, but to me, he's lost his appeal. in DON'T U EVER STOP, the thing that bothered me most was the way he chewed his gum. while i was watching the making-of, i noticed some changes in kame and ueda compared to the only other making-of i'm aware of: signal. kame is more in tune with the other members; they're more on the same wavelength. i loved how they kept kame-ing him. :D ueda doesn't have that stand-offish persona anymore; he was laughing and interacting with the rest of the guys. nakamaru looks awkward when he dances. :D I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HIS SOLO SONGS. he tries so hard with his singing, it's hard not to smile when you hear him. :D i love taguchi's hair. it's the perfect color and cut. he's so handsome. yes, dorky as well, but that makes him all the more sexier. :D koki's stubble is gross. the chin hairs are too long!

the tackey & tsubasa promotion for koiuta has been awesome. it's been a long time since the last single release, and i love how they appear on all the shows, all at once. it's hard to keep track sometimes, but the extra stress in trying to keep up is worth it. :D tsubasa's hair is perfect now! :D comparing these new shows to previous appearances, he doesn't seem to be as awkward as he used to be, especially on HEY!HEY!HEY! :D he used to have a manner of speaking when he would cross his arms and draw himself inwards and attempt to nod as if he were confident, but it gave a vibe of uncertainty. of the handful of shows/clips i've seen so far, he hasn't once crossed his arms, and he's still as awesome as ever for picking on takki. <3 in the mechamecha iketeru clip, his playfulness is awesome. :D maybe his acting has gotten better? MORE DORAMA ROLES FOR TSUBASA, PLEASE! it's a must-download clip; you'll notice the differences between his mannerisms from junior days compared to now. :D michelle is so awesome about posting downloads, and CRAP TAKKI AND TSUBASA NEKKID ON UTABAN I HAVE TO SEE THAT NEXT OMG.

this seems to be a johnny's-centered post. :D i seriously didn't know that uchi was in the new dorama, osen. tackey & tsubasa's koiuta is the ending song! aww, my cutie honey uchi, you're still as handsome as ever. <3 i'm glad he's back in the media again, but it's sad how there hasn't been as many appearances from kusano. T_T koyama is hosting another show it seems. shige is holding one-man shows in upcoming months. tegomass just released the PV for their new single. IT'S REALLY CUTE AND TEGOSHI IS SO PRETTY I'M JEALOUS. wow. NEWS is really taking over the media. no info from me on yamapi because eww. haha. :D ryo-chan is in LAST FRIENDS and i was anticipating on watching it, but ZETTAI KARESHI has eaten my brain. :D i wonder how it'll end! the actor that plays tenjo night is so handsome! AND OMG NANBA-SENPAI? hahaha! his face is so perfect. he closely resembles matsumoto, but his features are more pleasing to the eye. matsumoto's mouth is awkward and when he smiles, he looks evil. :D

ok. school is really stressful because i enrolled in four classes. T_T i know, four classes for a 5-week semester is suicide, but i was so determined to graduate by winter of this year that i thought, what the heck? actually, it's only three classes because one lasts until august, but yeah. i'm doing ok so far...in my intro to physical anthropology class (i know, WTF, right? T_T), it seems that no matter how much i read/study, i can't make a decent grade. my first test score was a 70! i'm scared about my second test grade now. T_T there are online quizzes due every couple of days, and i've been doing poorly on those as well! i asked the professor about extra credit, and she politely told me that there were other oppurtunities on future tests to bring up my grade. omg. she covers so much information, but asks multiple, specific questions pertaining to one particular topic on the tests. it's a test of luck. T_T i'm still aiming for B+ and higher in these classes. is that too much to ask for? T_T

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