never satisfied: a BLOG

Wednesday, January 11, 2012 - 02:04 a.m.
T-ARA - Lovey Dovey

While I was napping, I had a dream. Although he wasn't in it, I was still unconsciously thinking of him because his name showed up on my old Samsung Behold as a missed call. I was on a trip with my sisters (that's right, plural), and I think that we were in a hotel in NY. It wasn't a pressing priority that I got back to him, but once I had time, I left the room and went into the lobby to return the call. Turns out all I did was stare at the phone.

Lately, I've been checking my phone a lot...Almost as if expecting a text from him or something. This is it. The Samsung Behold is a part of my past. He is also a chapter that has passed in my life. I should start 2012 on a happy note. I know that I won't be facing the same hardships as last year because I have lost a lot of friends...Including him. There is nothing to save.

My mom and I went to see the card & palm reader. I wasn't nervous or seeking answers...I know I'll be Ok this year. She said that I will do well in school and that I'll make money when I hit 32. She gave me the same gist when it came to guys: There are two, one older and one younger who really care about me. I don't talk to anyone, so I have no idea who she's talking about, and quite honestly, I no longer care. My main focus is finishing this semester and working towards a trip to Japan this year. The weird thing is, instead of two kids, she said I will have three. THREE? Ehh...

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Thursday, January 5, 2012 - 12:41 a.m.
Bruno Mars - Grenade

This piece of information was bothering me and I even checked through my old CDJapan invoices to make sure...The first T&T single that I bought during time of actual release was SAMURAI. I watched the the X~Dame~/Crazy Rainbow promo and performances but was a few months off when I actually bought the single. Whew.

The fall semester finished without any problems. I made all A's. New York came and went. I don't know, the trip felt lackluster to me...Maybe I was expecting too much from the Big Apple. We stayed for four days and three nights. Normally, I can snap up to 600 photos, but I managed only 300. That's disappointing. Well, we didn't see the Statue of Liberty, Chinatown, Little Italy, or the WTC memorial. I know that I'll have to visit NY more times before I see everything. It's small in land mass compared to TX, but there are so many things crammed together in so many different parts of the state that it's impossible to see all you want to see in just one trip. If I can nab tickets to the L'Arc~en~Ciel concert in March, then I'm there! Also, Hugh Jackman is going to be in HOUDINI, which is a musical opening on Broadway in 2013-2014. So many commitments to NYC already, and I have other places I want to visit! It's time to buckle down and really make this money!

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Wednesday, December 14, 2011 - 01:27 a.m.
Tackey & Tsubasa - Crazy Rainbow

Ok. Instead of studying for my Speech final tomorrow, I'm watching all of Takitsuba's PVs in chronological order. I SQUEEd over the majority of them, hehe! Back in the day, Tsubasa was really handsome when he didn't look confused or angry. I noticed that in a lot of the vids, his appearance changed A LOT. Takki merely got a hair color change or cut, but it seems like with every hair variation Tsubasa went through, his entire face seemed different. I'm glad that through all the good times and bad, whether unit or solo, Tsubasa has been able to become the man he is today. Maybe this is my way of celebrating their tenth year. My first single purchase that was in time with their release was X~Dame~/Crazy Rainbow. I'm sure I saw my first performance of X~Dame~ on Shounen Club. Then, Samurai, and I put the poster Tsubasa side-up on my wall. I've been in the fandom for five years, although it doesn't feel like it. They were on a two year hiatus.

Back to the PVs...I feel that they became manlier during Venus. Takki's face became sharper and more grown-up during that time and Tsubasa grew into his. Thinking back on live performances, Tsubasa used to be really awkward, but I loved seeing his embarrassed facial expressions. Now, he seems to have stepped up and is more comfortable speaking out.

I'm really considering flying out to Japan next year to see them perform live. It's about time, isn't it? I had blogged about this in the past, setting a time limit for myself, saying that it should only take five years for me to see them in person. That five year mark is next year. With my studies coming along the way they are, I should have a huge break between May 2012 until 2013. That's a lot of free time. I just need to find someone to come with me. That's always the hardest part. Ok. I'm going to get back to watching PVs before it gets too late.

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Tuesday, October 25, 2011 - 11:47 p.m.
KAT-TUN - GIVE ME, GIVE ME, GIVE ME

Ok. I should be preparing for a speech presentation, but I'm slacking off. I threw together a posterboard visual on Monday when nearly everyone else in class did a powerpoint presentation. I went total old-school and literally "CUT & PASTE" everything, haha. It took two hours.

Anyways, I texted him Friday asking about Paranormal Activity 3, but he didn't want to see a scary movie. We saw Real Steel on Saturday. There wasn't much talking, and he pulled me in for a couple of hugs, but it wasn't the same. I'm glad it wasn't. We have spent so much time apart. The thing is, that kind of concerns me. How could I have felt so passionate one moment, just to not feel it the next? It was the same thing when I decided to transition from psychology to nursing. When I got my bachelors degree, I was so set on making psychology my career. Is that a form of adaptation? I'm seriously dumbfounded on this.

He texted me today. Nothing major, but I'm just not feeling it. It's not just him though. I'm not excited about anything. I don't go out anymore. I don't pick up phone calls. I don't randomly text people as much as I used to. Since late last year I knew I was going through a slight depression, but now I'm just stuck in it. I'm annoyed more often. I'm restless.

It's been such a long time since I had to give a presentation in front of strangers. I don't think I've ever had to give a SPEECH though. We can't read from a paper. I'm nervous just thinking about it. My heart races while I'm sitting there watching my other classmates. I know once I finish, the moment will pass as if nothing happened, but I'm just so anxious. Everyone else did so well. I'm probably going to stall out and stand there like a loser. Oh well. Let's look at the big picture, right? This is just one step towards my career! KICK BUTT!

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Friday, October 21, 2011 - 11:07 p.m.
Charice - Louder

I couldn't sleep last night, so I attempted a tarot reading at 4:30am. After evaluating the results, I'm a bigger believer of the cards.

PAST - CUPS II (Reversed) - A relationship between you and someone you cared deeply for began to break down. It may have been based on a misunderstanding between the two of you, or your demands could have been too much for the other person to accept. You became almost obsessed with the other person and your expectations were so high that it was impossible for your partner to live up to them. Your plans had to be put aside as you needed to separate, at least for a while. Unless you made efforts to rectify the misunderstanding and behave more wisely you may have found that this relationship had to end.

PRESENT - The Tower XVI (Reversed) - By following old habits you become stuck in a rut - caught in a bad situation seeing no end to it. But you aren't looking at the big picture. When disaster strikes you begin to wallow in self-pity rather than doing anything about it and discovering for yourelf that even this stormy cloud has a silver lining. Someone close to you goes through a crisis and you are called on to help. Although things are tough for a while they do not last forever - even though for a short time you feel trapped and as if you have no control oer what is happening.

FUTURE - King of Wands (Reversed) - You won't have much tolerance for what anyone else wants - once you decide where you are going that will be it. Some of your views are a little prejudiced, but you will find them really hard to shake off as you will be so convinced that you are right. Once you've figured out what you want, you won't want to hang around but will get on with things straight away. It will be all too easy for you to come over as tyrannical, and you will have to deal with your loved ones rebelling when they feel that you've come on too strong. Feeling withdrawn, it may well prove hard for you to meet new people.

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Friday, October 7, 2011 - 12:40 a.m.
Bruno Mars - It Will Rain

Just a couple of notes from the weird dream I had last night. I normally don't dream but had three weird sequences occur. The weirdest part though, is that he was in all of them.

In the first dream, there was an old house; I think it was supposed to resemble the old house my family used to live in. When he and I exited from the garage, I noticed that my car was missing. All the other cars parked in the driveway had their doors wide open. I was alarmed and might have called the police, but that was it.

In the second dream, he and I were walking down the street, and I remember linking my arm around his and he tightened his arm around mine. We were about to turn the corner, and I could see an amusement park (or the like) in the distance, but we didn't go. Instead, I think we merely picked up something and turned around to head back to the house. In that short moment, I witnessed a man being punched in the stomach by another man.

Lastly, the third dream was set in a room in the old house. I remember talking to a girl that I knew was my sister, but she didn't look like her. We were hearing weird noises that normally wouldn't be made in a bathroom, and we were wondering what he was up to. I had said, "Great. He's smoking." And then I woke up.

And now, an amateur interpretation of what had happened. The car disappearing might have been something that I greatly valued that was taken from me while everyone else was intact. The man who was punched might have been a metaphor for the hurt I was feeling. The smoking bit is just another example that, even in my dreams, he doesn't want to be with me. He used to smoke in the past but stopped. My only conclusion is that he resumed that bad habit because he couldn't deal with the stress I put on him.

I don't even know if we could be considered friends. Yes, we text every once in a while, but that's it. There aren't any face-to-face interactions or meet-ups or hang outs. I don't know how I should be feeling about him. I guess my feelings were just trying to make it to the surface in a weird way. My dreams are always odd. The ones involving the old house are never good ones. It's always because I associate anything with the old house as being ghetto. Ghetto neighborhood, ghetto people, ghetto happenings all around. Oh well. Let's see if any visions appear tonight. I'll visit Dream Moods to further analyze.

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